FOUR SEASONS

Summer

I have been writing all this time regarding the time of using In my life. It is now one year later and perhaps now is the time to write about the changes taking place.

I came to Poland in June of 2010. I was one week sober. As of this writing, I am now 11 months into my new life of sobriety and I cannot help but see the changes that are taking place. What made it so apparent to me was seeing the changes in nature over the last four seasons. I came to Poland in the middle of summer and things were in full bloom. I was pretty much a mess and struggling to even see life as something good. What I had going for me was that I was alive and K loved me and I loved her. That was it. All else was nowhere in my reality. I was a confused mess and life as I knew it had to change.

Fall

As I and the earth moved into the next season of Fall, I too began to feel death. I see this time of year as all things dying or changing so that survival is possible as Winter takes over. As things began to change around me, so did I. I decided to stay in Poland. I was to return to the US after the initial two weeks here, but I made a decision along with K to stay. I had found a job, some good 12 step meetings and had begun to get sober. I knew if I returned to the US, I would use crack again.

Winter

Things began to die. The old V began to die. Old relationships and ways of thinking began to die. It was painful. I cannot describe the hurt but those who have felt it may know what I mean. Things just hurt. The biggest demon was fear. I was afraid of everything and everybody. I was mostly afraid of the future. Cold weather can also be seen as healing. I was told that all those feelings I was having was because I was healing. This is the truth because as time went on, I did began to have moments of inner peace and some strange vision that everything was going to be OK. There were obsessions and moments of intense anger fueled by fear. I was confused and wondered if I had made the right decision by staying in Poland. Nonetheless, I continued to move forward and tell myself often that all is OK. K made the difference in my life. She was with me 100% even when I was running away from her. As she tried to help, I saw myself just shutting down and feeling so powerless that I wanted to run to the familiar. Running to the familiar meant using.

Spring

We are in spring now and as I come upon 11 months, I am feeling a sense of relief as well as fear. My head is clearing and as I move to one year sober, the question becomes, “What’s next?” There is the gnawing feeling also of what am I to do with myself? I face reality that at 50 years old, the dreams of youth must die. This is real life now. I have run away from this all of my life and now I am expected to face it 100%? I am terrified of this and yet I know it is the only way to live happily. Acceptance is the key to it all.

The flowers are blooming and warmth is coming and there is re- birth. This is me. I am working through the sober process again because I feel there is more work to be done. I am also feeling the urge to make decisions in life that I have always been afraid to do: get married, be an actor, direct, travel, make amends to those I have harmed, be open, be honest, live openly with no secrets, no shame, no fear. All of this is theory, but it is a small jump to action. The jump may be hard, but it is small and simple when I decide and then do it.