SLOTH — This one is tricky because I always felt that I was a motivated and energetic person. Sloth meant that I would label myself lazy. The fact is that I am very lazy. I want to sit around and wait for the good things to come to me. Why not? Others seem to have things just drop into their laps. Why not me? When I was sober for 12 or so years starting in the mid 80’s, things did “just happen to/for me”. I would get a job or a gig with seemingly no effort or work on my part. I was young and willing to do the work, but there really wasn’t much work to do as I remember. Things just seemed to fall into place. Not so this time around. Getting sober in my late 40’s has proven far more difficult. This time, I feel bombarded with a lot of work to do to stay sober. I struggled for almost 10 years to get the 16 months sobriety I now have. No one in the rooms of 12 step meetings told me I “have a sparkle” in my eye when I came into recovery this time as they were telling me in the 80’s. I was old and I looked beat up. Maybe my disease really did grow older and stronger over the years as my body grows less strong and less energetic with age. Whatever the reason, it is easy for me to be slothful because I have these underlying feelings of being “late” in life and “why bother?” This is not reality, but I often think it nonetheless. I cannot summon the strength needed sometimes to make a leap of faith. And a “leap of faith” is what I really need these days. I have to believe that whatever is in front of me is what I must do. And this is what I am supposed to do. If I do not hold onto this, sloth will kill me.
LUST — This one is a killer as it can be every bit as addictive as drugs to me. I am unsure how lust fits into my life except it was readily apparent every time I used crack. I smoke crack and suddenly I want to create every sexual fantasy known to me. My normal mind and body desires sex and intimacy these days, but I have not really known healthy intimacy and sex in the past. It was all about fucking. Period. To have love, make love, to be loved, to be open and honest with another human being is all new to me. I have a steep learning curve. Crack affects the sex part of the brain that does not normally exist. It drives one to be and do things that he would never do otherwise. I have been in orgies with several people while several other people watched. I have had sex and orgies outdoors, under houses, in a car, in a park, restrooms of hotels and bars, port-o-lets … wherever I took a hit off a crack pipe, sex happened. Even writing about it sober makes me cringe because it all seems so wrong and twisted. Mostly, it was completely; y selfish and self centred. I cannot even name some of the partners I had because I didn’t bother to ask their names. When sober and clean, I am not into all of the stuff that I did when high. Most, if not all of it, turns me off. I am not as selfish today and being true to the woman I love is the utmost beautiful thing I am gaining in this sober life. I do not ever want to hurt her. This is sobriety.